c.

I'm havin' issues. I've had them for awhile now. 

Generally, I think A LOT! Often, my thinking causes insomnia. I think about shit that people go their whole lives not even considering. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Nothing is a conscience. And I myself, do everything for a reason. I believe that people should be themselves 100% but I also believe that there are people who are completely incapable of doing so, that naturally they are just mindless, and I believe there are people who allow it to happen. That just makes me think, why? Why the hell would people want to live like that? I could not possible allow myself to be that way. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I find the world to be a beautifully ugly place. I appreciate things most don't notice and I have a funny way of looking at it. I think about shit that makes me happier than anyone could make me, I think about shit that makes me cry, I think about stuff that I find interesting and ask myself questions that will never be answered. It feels like a form of self torture. I always think, why me? Why am I like this? Was there something some did to me while I was younger? Maybe something bad happened? Maybe some good? Did something change my life? Or was I born this way? Surely I am like this for a reason. I am not like most people and no one can tell me differently. How about you live with my mind for awhile and lay through repeated sleepless nights. Or find yourself content one minute and bawling the next. I often put things in my head that cause pain. Don't get me wrong, I am proudly me. But I love the way I am, and I hate it. Mainly because every time I talk about certain subject with people or just anything they never really see it the way I do. Or they don't understand it. They don't want to talk about it, I often get the response "I don't know dude! I don't think about shit like that!" This causes me to feel very very very lonely even when there is several people around me. Will I get a friend who I can talk about things like this with? I mean There's only three people who I believe are there on the same level as me. Any when I talk to these three people, I never want the conversation to end because I feel at ease. Like, I can say anything and talk about it all and you get it. The same exact sense of humor. Fuck up perspective. I look up to you guys. Truly some amazing friends whom I want to keep around until I rest for good. I love you. I would like some reassurance. You guys get it, right?